


Afterthoughts

by Bookwitch



Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-07-22
Updated: 2013-08-26
Packaged: 2017-12-21 01:21:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 3,582
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/894118
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bookwitch/pseuds/Bookwitch
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hawkeye is still recovering from Loki's control...and he's afraid it's not over.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

"You have heart."  
"What did it show you, Agent Barton?"  
"Why am I back? How did you get him out?"

"No! Not again!"  
Agent Clint Barton sat up in bed suddenly, dripping in sweat, heart racing so fast he thought it might explode.  
"Clint! You're all right."  
"Tasha?"  
Only after he felt Natasha's hand on his shoulder did he dare look around. He was in her apartment, in her bed. He was safe. He repeated that thought over and over again until he started to believe it.  
"I'm here. You're OK." She got up and walked over to the mini fridge she kept in her bedroom, pulling out a bottle of water, twisting the cap off, and handing it to him as she sat down beside him again. "Take a drink. Just a sip or two...no, go slow. Trust me, you'll regret it if you don't."  
He nodded to her and took one sip, then another. She knew what she was talking about. The woman he'd been spending more and more time with had her own share of nightmares.  
"Better?" she asked. When he nodded in response, she continued. "Is it the same dream?"  
Ever since they had fought Loki, he'd been having these nightmares in which Loki was still controlling his mind. More and more often he wound up here, with Natasha. He didn't want to be alone. But at the same time, thinking about what might happen...  
"God, Tash, what if...what if Loki's just biding his time, ready to strike when we don't expect it. What if he's not gone? I could be putting all of you in danger. I almost..."  
"He's GONE, Clint. Stop doing this to yourself." She reached up and held his face between her two hands, forcing him to look at her. "He doesn't control you anymore. And he's worlds away."  
He knew she was right. This had to stop...he had to stop it. He was headed for a psych ward if he didn't. Or worse. Still, knowing all the damage he had caused while under Loki's control...it wasn't easy to live with, even knowing that he had basically been a mindless puppet.  
No, this had to stop. Without warning he got up and started throwing his clothes on.  
"Where are you going?"  
"Out for a drive. I need to clear my head."  
"Let me come with you."  
"No." He hesitated when he realized he'd said that more harshly than he intended. "I just need to be by myself for a while. I'll be back." He leaned over the bed to give her a quick kiss, then he grabbed his helmet and was out the door.


	2. To Fight Or Not To Fight. OK, Fight

Natasha Romanov listened to the sound of Clint's motorcycle starting up and roaring off into the distance, an uneasy feeling settling over her as the night returned to silence.  
He had asked her, as soon as he woke up from her blow to his head, if she knew what it was like to be unmade. She did. She knew what it was like to be controled, to hurt people you love while you were powerless to do anything to stop it. She knew what it was like. But she couldn't tell him how to get through it.  
She looked at the clock...just after 3AM. It was too early to call Pepper...she'd wait a few hours. Natasha wasn't much of one for girl talk, but Pepper had experience dealing with an emotionally unstable, potentially dangerous man. Maybe she could offer some advice.  
For now, all she could do was wait. Going back to sleep clearly wasn't an option, so she threw on a Tshirt and a pair of leggings and headed for the gym in the Avenger's mansion. Lifting weights and beating the hell out of a punching bag was a good idea right now.  
Or at least it seemed like a good idea until she arrived at the mansion. Swiping her keycard, the doors opened for her with a beep.  
"Good morning, Agent Romanov. Trouble sleeping?"  
"Hello, Jarvis. You might say that. I'm headed to the training room."  
"Will you be sparring with Captain Rogers?"  
"Cap is here?"  
"Yes. He arrived about an hour ago."  
Damn.Still, perhaps Jarvis had a good idea. Sparring with Cap might be just what they both needed.  
She stepped into the elevator and pushed the button to the floor that housed what had become the Avengers' training room. She had almost talked herself into thinking that sparring with Cap was a good idea when she stepped out of the elevator and nearly got hit by a punching bag flying by the elevator.  
"Agent Romanov! My apologies."  
"It's fine, Cap. And you can call me Natasha."  
"Natasha. My apologies, again. Can't sleep?"  
"Seems to be a common problem tonight."  
"Yeah, well."  
"I know. Working off steam can't hurt."  
She shrugged off her jacket and tossed it next to the elevator. Walking to the center of the room onto the sparring mat, she turned and motioned to Cap. "Want a shot at the title?"  
"I, uh..." he stammered.  
"Oh, come on. You've seen me in battle. You're not afraid you'll hurt me."  
"Well..."  
"Men." She rolled her eyes and turned her back on him...and was nearly thrown to the ground as he rushed her.  
She caught herself and rolled out of his reach, grinning. "Naughty, Cap."  
He shrugged and rushed her again. This time she crouched low, intending to throw him over her back. He did go flying over her back, but grabbed her as he flew over. She landed on top of him, however, and managed to pin him.  
"You give?"  
He looked surprised, staring up at her fist, but he laughed anyway. "OK, uncle."  
She stood to give him a hand up and he pulled her back down, rolling so that he came out on top this time.  
"I can't believe you just fell for that."  
"Neither can I." Again she grinned, and just as she'd expected, he took that as a sign of her giving in. He hadn't noticed that she'd folded her legs up as she'd landed. At least, not until she used her legs to launch him backwards off of her. In one smooth motion she sprang to her feet, falling in a defensive position just as Cap shook off his landing and started to get up.  
"Word to the wise, Cap," she said, successfully blocking a roundhouse that resulted in his landing on his face. "Most guys fight because they want to." Cap scissor-kicked her down, but she rolled out of the way before he could come down on top of her. "Most women fight because we have to. That means we pay attention to what works."  
This time it was Cap who was grinning. "I'll keep that in mind. Thanks for the advice."  
"Don't mention it."  
They went at each other for another half hour before calling a truce. Sometimes Natasha got the better of Steve, sometimes Steve got the better of Natasha. There was a lot to learn from the man they had pulled out of the ice, she realized...and he was discovering that there was a lot to learn from her.  
"Not bad," Steve complimented her as he tossed her a towel.  
"I can hold my own. You're not so bad yourself. But then you are the living legend. Sorry." She apologized quickly as she saw him wince at the words.  
"It's OK. It's just...I never wanted to be famous, to be a living legend. I just wanted to do my part and go home."  
"I know. But...people do look up to you." She rested a hand on his arm. "That's a good thing, Cap."  
"I suppose," he said absently.  
He looked a little lost as he said that, and it reminded Natasha that while he was in physical years a lot older than she was, he had woken up the same age he'd been when he put that plane into the ice. He was a supersoldier, but he was, in many respects, still a naive kid.  
"So, what's got you in here so early?" he asked, trying to break the awkward silence that had fallen between them.  
"Just couldn't sleep. Figured I might as well put the time to use rather than staring at the ceiling." She looked at him directly. "You?"  
"You're worried about Agent Barton." he said, clearly sidestepping the question. "S.H.I.E.L.D. is worse than junior high school when it comes to rumors, Natasha," he explained in response to her startled look. "Scuttlebutt has it you two are an item."  
"Scuttlebutt?"  
He shrugged and smiled good-naturedly. "Well, and you don't have to be a supersoldier to know that you two have a bond."  
"He saved my life. Steered me in a new direction. I can't forget that."  
"No one's saying you should. Look, you don't have to tell me what's wrong. But if either of you needs help..."  
"You'll be the first one I come to, Cap. Thanks. It means a lot."  
And it did. Natasha didn't trust many people...hazard of the job...and her life, she thought somewhat bitterly...but she knew that Steve Rogers would hold confidence.  
She finished her workout...doing some weights and calisthenics under Steve's direction. Even after an hour of that, she decided it was still too early to call Pepper, so she took her leave and went home to shower.  
Clint hadn't returned when she got back to her apartment, but she hadn't expected him to. He was a loner by nature, and preferred working out his problems on his own. She'd just have to trust that he'd come to her if he needed to.  
There was that word again. Trust. She sighed as she stepped under the hot spray of her shower. This wasn't going to be easy.


	3. Clear the air, clear the head

Clint breathed a sigh of relief as he finally hit the freeway and was able to open his bike to full throttle. He had to get out of the city, get up in the mountains where he could hear himself think. It had been a spur of the moment decision, heading out of the city, but as he left the lights and smog and noise behind he knew it had been a good decision. He wasn't even entirely sure where he was going. He just knew he had to be where no one could find him for a little while. Natasha wouldn't be happy, but she would understand. As long as he came back alive and in one piece, she would understand.  
When he left her apartment, he ran by his place to pick up a few necessities, most of them of the sharp and pointy variety. Ten minutes and he was packed and gone again. With no set plan and no set destination, he just wanted to be away from everything. Isolated.  
"Thanks for the clue, big guy," he thought. As he was throwing things together, thoughts of Bruce Banner suddenly entered his mind. Bruce tended to stay away from people if he thought he might be a threat, and that's when he realized: if there was the SLIGHTEST chance that Loki might have even the tiniest hold of the darkest parts of his mind, it wasn't worth risking innocent lives while he hung around and figured it out. And he didn't know who he could trust. S.H.I.E.L.D. would send him to one of the company shrinks, and he'd had enough of someone messing around in his head thankyouverymuch. Tasha was too close...she could miss a sign. Or twelve. All things considered, though, if he did have to be neutralized, she would have to be the one to do it. And he loved her too much to put her in that position.  
Neutralized. Such a sanitized word. As a trained assasin working for the greater good (although sometimes he wondered WHOSE greater good), he had neutralized a few people himself. Telling yourself you neutralized someone sounded a lot neater than uglier words like 'assasinated' or 'killed'. Helped you keep your head on straight. And wasn't that just the ironic statement.  
He'd bloody well neutralize himself before he forced Tasha into that position. Provided he still had enough control, he realized. That was the thing about wondering if your mental faculties were intact. You couldn't exactly count on your cognitive abilities. He'd have to come up with something, a safety catch of sorts.  
Now, he would just ride. He roared through the morning, stopping only once to fuel up. As a result, he was entering what looked like the edge of civilization as the sun was rising. The edge of civilization. Away from everyone, everything. He took an exit off the freeway then picked a random road. He followed paved road until it turned to gravel, gravel until it turned to dirt, finally cutting through a cow pasture and heading straight up a mountain. He took his bike as far as it would go, then hid it from view. Grabbing his gear from the saddlebag, he started walking, trying to push all thoughts out of his mind except the next step he was taking. It was a worthwhile effort. By the time he reached the pinnacle and found a rock where he could enjoy the view in peace, he was feeling more relaxed than he had in...well, he couldn't remember. He camouflaged himself and sat back, his bow in easy reach should he need it, and just started letting his mind drift. Perhaps that was his first mistake.


	4. The Great Hunt...or Not

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clint thinks he's alone, but gets an unexpected visitor when he's isolated and vulnerable.

Clint startled himself awake as an uneasy feeling of danger settled around him. Instinctively he reached for his bow, but someone grabbed his wrist with a crushing grip.  
"Tsk tsk. Agent Barton. Is that anyway to welcome your liberator?"  
As he looked up into the eyes of Thor's brother, he kept a neutral expression, forcing himself to remain calm.  
"Loki...how...?"  
"Oh, I have ways my beloved brother knows nothing of. The link you and I shared is unbreakable. Did you really think a simple tap to the head was going to evict me for good?"  
"Well, one can always dream."  
"Indeed." Loki released his grip and walked to the edge of the cliff, but not before sending the bow flying into some distant trees with a wave of his hand.  
"You don't trust me? Now that hurts."  
Loki laughed. "I have nothing to fear from you. You're here alone. No one knows where you are. You'll not have your pretty warrior maiden to knock you in the head or that great green troll to protect you. You don't have a suit of armor such as your Mr. Stark wears in battle. You don't have my brother's hammer to save you."  
Clint leaned back on his rock and looked at Loki calmly. As angry...and admittedly concerned...as he was that Loki was here, he wondered just how much control Loki actually had. Not that he was willing to test it. Too far.  
"You must have a little to fear. Otherwise you'd already have control of my mind. From what I remember all you'd need to do is tap me with your staff...oh, wait. You don't seem to have it. What, did you lose it?"  
Loki smiled grimly. "Quite an observation, Agent Barton. You are correct. I don't have possession of my staff right now. It is spending time in the Allfather's weapons vault. A temporary arrangement, I assure you."  
"Oh, of course." Clint stood and paced back and forth a couple of times while considering what to do. Hand to hand combat was out...Asgardians were stronger than humans. If he went to find his bow...he was almost certain he knew where it had landed...he would be either outpaced our overpowered by Loki. He reminded himself to be careful with his thoughts. He wasn't sure Loki was in his head, but he wasn't sure he WASN'T, either.  
"Take care of what actions you choose, mortal. I have no need of my staff to conjure magic."  
Clint was about to answer when he heard something overhead. He couldn't hide the grin on his face when he saw two large crows circling overhead. Nor could he hide his satisfaction when he realized that Loki hadn't missed them either.  
"Missing your curfew? Daddy checking up on you?" he asked, taking joy in hearing the scream of rage as Loki disappeared in a flash of light, moving close enough to whisper "This isn't finished." before he disappeared.  
"No, it isn't." Clint said aloud. "It isn't finished. But by God I will finish it."


	5. It's Not Over

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thor arrives in hopes of saving Midgard some trouble.

Natasha stepped out of her shower and wiped the steam off the mirror before she grabbed a towel to dry off. She stared at her reflection, almost startled by how bad she looked. She had dark circles under her eyes, her complexion was sallow...  
"Whatever is going on with you, Clint, we need to fix it before it kills both of us."  
A sound from her living room pulled her out of her reverie, and she got dressed quickly. Maybe Clint had come back already, but she doubted it. She got dressed all the way to her boots and grabbed the gun she had placed on the counter under her towel, making sure it was loaded. She realized she was probably the only person in the world who took EVERYTHING, including shoes and gun, into the bathroom when she showered...but that level of paranoia was why she was still alive.  
As silently as she could, she eased the door open and stepped out into the hall.  
"Clint?" she called, trying to sound casual as she crept down the hall, hugging the wall, gun in upraised hands.  
"I fear not, Agent Romanov," called a familiar voice. "I wish to speak to you about this if I may."  
"Thor! What are you doing here? And don't Asgardians knock?"  
"I beg your pardon, Agent Romanov. But your door was open...I feared you were in danger."  
She looked, shocked, from the blond god in the middle of her living room to her door. She had left it open? That really wasn't like her. It wasn't like her at all...and she was sure she had shut it. Confused, she sat down, inviting Thor to do the same.  
"You said you wanted to speak to me about...what, exactly?"  
Thor sat where she indicated, but he practically dwarfed the chair he sat down in and looked very uncomfortable.  
"My brother has escaped his imprisonment, and I fear he has come here to do mischief. My father has sent me to return him to Asgard."  
"Escaped? How?"  
"We do not know. We suspect he had help. Sif and the Warriors Three are looking into that and will report to my father."  
"What could he want? We've already beat him when he had an army behind him. He can't possibly think to win alone."  
"I think that perhaps it may have something to do with your Agent Barton. Do you know where he is?"  
"Clint?" Natasha sighed and sank back in her chair. "So he was right..."  
Thor stood suddenly, towering over her.  
"What do you mean by 'he was right.?"  
"He's been...having nightmares since everything was over. He was afraid he was still a danger to us."  
Thor nodded, rubbing his chin thoughtfully.  
"He may very well be, if we cannot find him soon. Do you know where he is?"  
"No. But I know someone who might have an idea."


	6. Time to Tell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Natasha takes Thor to see Cap.

He stopped short as Natasha crossed her arms in front of her and tilted her head at him as she glared.  
"He did. He told me."  
"Natasha, if he had told us..."  
"He'd have been put in a cell and subjected to any experiment S.H.I.E.L.D. scientists could think to throw at him until it was determined that he was safe."  
"Bruce!" Natasha hugged Dr. Banner as he walked in the door to her apartment. "Thank you for coming."  
"How can I help?"  
"We thought you might have a unique perspective on where someone might go to clear his head." Steve commented as he shook Dr. Banner's hand. "You know, if, uhm..."  
Dr. Banner smirked. "If he's afraid the boogey man might be hiding out in his head?"  
"Yeah. Sorry." Steve could almost feel himself blushing. He hated bringing up people's own personal...boogey man was a perfect term for it.  
"No, it's quite all right." He turned to Natasha. "Does he have any places he likes to go? When he's had enough?"  
Natasha shrugged. "He has a cabin. But..."  
Dr. Banner nodded. "Then that's the one place we can be certain he's NOT. Wherever he is, it'll be isolated, though."  
"Thor? Could Heimdall find him for us? I know Loki is magically shielded from him, but if we find Clint...wait, where did he go?"  
"He was just here. Dr. Banner, did you see him leave?"  
"See who leave?"  
Steve shot Natasha a confused look, then looked back to Bruce.  
"Natasha, Dr. Banner...we need to get out of here. Quickly!"  
The two of them grabbed a very confused Bruce Banner, one at each arm, and started ushering him towards the apartment door. Their realization came too late. Before they reached the exit, the door and surrounding wall blew back onto them.


End file.
